Lets Just Talk About It Podcast with Chuck

(Ep.104) It’s Okay Not to Be Okay...

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Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the profound weight of grief and wondered how to navigate such turbulent waters? Join us on a heartfelt journey with Scharnelle Hamlin, a dedicated Homicide Support Group Coordinator, as she shares her invaluable insights into managing the complex emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one, particularly through acts of gun violence. Scharnelle opens up about her personal experiences with grief, illustrating how it can transcend the circumstances of the loss, whether it be sudden or through natural causes.

Scharnelle's wisdom truly shines as she highlights the importance of community and support in processing grief, especially during the holiday season when the absence of loved ones is often felt most acutely. She offers thoughtful advice on maintaining routines and creating rituals to honor those we've lost, focusing on the joy they brought to our lives. The conversation also underscores the significance of being present for those who are grieving, validating their feelings, and offering support without the pressure to provide solutions. Spending quality time with those we love creates lasting memories that can bring comfort when they are no longer with us.

Throughout this emotional dialogue, we touch on the cathartic power of safely expressing emotions, setting boundaries, and using journaling as a tool for healing. Scharnelle reminds us of the importance of embracing vulnerability and authenticity, encouraging listeners to acknowledge that it's okay not to be okay. This episode is a tender reminder of the personal journey of grief, urging us to give ourselves permission to grieve at our own pace. We invite you to tune in for an honest and meaningful conversation that offers solace and understanding to anyone navigating the challenging path of grief and loss.

Chuck:

Hey, welcome back to another episode of let's Just Talk About it podcast. I'm your host, chuck, and if you're here for the first time, this platform was created to give genuine people just like you an opportunity to share a portion of your life's journey. So, with that being said, on this episode, I have Chane Hamlin on with me today here to talk about the reality of grief when we lose a loved one, something we really don't want to talk about, but it's a real thing. So, hey, you don't want to miss this conversation. As a matter of fact, do me a favor go and grab your husband, your wife, your children, or even call a friend and gather around to listen to my conversation with Chanel Hamlin on let's Just Talk About it podcast. Hey, let's jump right in. Thank you so much for always tuning in to let's Just Talk About it podcast, a podcast geared toward giving genuine people an opportunity to share a portion of their life journey. So today we have Scharnelle Hamlin on with us today.

Chuck:

How's it going, chanel? It's going well. How are you? Doing good? Doing good. I appreciate you.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Thank you for having me Absolutely.

Chuck:

Appreciate you. Thank you for having me Absolutely, Scharnelle. I love to jump right into my interviews to have those genuine conversations with genuine people just like yourself, and I love to start off with this question when are you from?

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I am from a rural small town in the Tidewater area called Surry County, Virginia. Ever heard of Saree?

Chuck:

Yeah, but I did not know it was in the Tidewater area.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Yes, we are part of the 757.

Chuck:

Okay, you're educating because I did not know.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

But if you blink, you will miss it, so where is that located at? I'm about 20. One thing I like about Sari is that I'm in the middle of everything, so in an hour I can get to Richmond. I can get to Richmond, I can get to Hampton, newport News, chesapeake. So I'm about 30 minutes from Allaway County, smithfield, virginia. Yeah, not too far from there.

Chuck:

Okay, you educated me. I did not know. Surry was a part of the 757. Shout out to. Siri County.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Yes, put us on the map.

Chuck:

So how was it for you growing up in the area?

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Well, ceri is very, very small, but we are such community focused, and we have a slogan Surry is something special. So we always look out for each other, and that's the one thing I like about it. You know, I have a rooster that still wakes me up in the morning. Really, we don't have the luxuries that the big cities have, but it's just the connectedness and the family-ness that I love about it. So I played sports a lot here. Okay, what did you?

Chuck:

play.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I played softball, I ran track, I played volleyball, played basketball. That wasn't for me. It was a little too enduring. So I stuck with softball and volleyball, so you're very outgoing, I would consider myself an outgoing person.

Chuck:

Got you, got you, got you, wow. So back in April, chanel, I lost my brother-in-law. I know you said don't say lost, but I lost my brother-in-law um from a heart attack, and I was trying to hear that yeah, thank you, and my, my sister and my niece.

Chuck:

It took it hard because it was like unexpected. It was unexpected. So, me being the brother, I wanted to reach out to somebody who could relate or share something with them. You know, that could kind of get them through that moment, and this was back in April. So I reached out to you and I guess you didn't check your messages, but you finally checked your messages and saw my you know my message wanting to talk to you. So you reached out to me and I really appreciate you. So here we are now and your title is although he didn't die from homicide, but your title is a homicide support group coordinator. What is that all about?

Scharnelle Hamlin:

So, basically what I do, I facilitate group therapy for anyone who's lost loved ones to the homicide. Our primary focus is gun violence, but there are people in our groups that have their loved ones were taken through strangulation, gun violence, stabbing and various methods. However, when you said that you had lost your brother from a heart attack, in that aspect saying loss is appropriate. We try not to say loss when it comes to homicide, because loss we know where they are, they were taken from us. So by you saying your brother you know he succumbed to a heart attack, we use loss. You know we will say sorry for your loss because you did lose someone due to medical and natural causes and things of that nature. But the one thing that they share in common is that grief has no expiration date. So regardless of how that loss or them being taken took place, it still are the same emotions that we feel.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

We all know that we have an appointed time, we just don't know when it is. That doesn't mean that any method is going to make us deal with it easier, Like I'll give you an example my grandmother. She died on her birthday, her 96th birthday, and although she was old and she lived a prosperous life. It still hit me like a ton of bricks because I'm used to having her here. I came up where all of my I I knew my grandparents, I knew my great-grandparents and so did my children. So to lose someone and that's very rare yeah, for your children to know their great-grandparents or their great-great-grandparents. So the thing that connects us both is that grief has no expiration date. It doesn't matter how happens, it still affects us in the same way.

Chuck:

Wow. So on a day-to-day basis, what do you do? You wait for phone calls or you just? How does that work?

Scharnelle Hamlin:

So I work very closely with the victim witness assistant programs in the state of Virginia. I don't just cover the 757. My organization, which is the Virginia Victim Assistance Network, we assist any crime victim. My division is just homicide. So homicides that come from Northern Virginia, suffolk, chesapeake, sary, it does not matter, I assist them.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

And so all of our groups are led by clinicians. They are licensed therapists, counselors, social workers, so they're actually getting free clinical counseling, which is major because it's very expensive even with insurance. Sometimes insurance gives you a cap. You can only have this amount of sessions. So we give them these sessions free of charge. We offer virtual and in person. We try to make it as convenient as possible. Some people have transportation issues and that's a lot. When you get to Cedar County we don't have buses or trains or Ubers or anything like that. But more times than not someone has a smartphone or some type of device where they can access these services right from the convenience of their home. So they don't have to worry about childcare, they don't have to worry about gas, and that is very, very important to me, because a lot of people suffer in silence and they are afraid to say I don't have a car to get there.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

But I know that I need it because I've been dealing with this and just thinking of your sister. You got to realize somebody that she was used to having in her circle in her life it's just gone, no notice. No, you know, it just happened. Heart attacks hit you just like at a drop of a hat and half of the times they were perfectly fine. They were perfectly fine and then all of a sudden, your life changes, and so that's why I try to tell people there is no more normal for you. I really don't like when people say, oh, this is the new normal. No, normal is when I had my right. Normal is when I had my spouse. I don't have him now. So there is no more normal for me. I'm creating a new narrative without him and it's hard, it's hard. I tell people all the time. The realization that your loved one is gone hits so much different, because what you once knew is no longer. Yeah, yeah, you have to navigate a whole different path.

Chuck:

Right right, create a new way of of living without that person being there absolutely, wow, absolutely.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

and even me, doing this work, I can teach people all the time methods to cope. You never get over a loss. I don't care how the loss happened. You never get over that. We just learn to cope with it and sometimes it's a little bit more bearable, but that pain is still gut-wrenching. There are things and days about when my loved ones were taken that make me feel like it just happened. We're talking about 12 years and two years ago.

Chuck:

So there's like like, when you talk about that, it's like triggers, like things that make you remember the smell, the sound, the music.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

You got it, wow, or say cliches that my loved ones used to say. You know, sometimes I'll hear that and automatically I don't know that. I have to excuse myself out of that situation, because I used to be afraid to cry in front of people why is that? Because I was brought up in a society where crying was a sign of weakness, and it's not.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Crying is a sign of strength right and in the black and brown communities we were. Well, I'm not going to say we, I'm going to say me. I was raised where. You know. What goes on in my house stays in this house and that's why I tell people silence is violence. There's no reason for me to be hurting in my home dealing with emotions and tears that God gave me. If he didn't want me to have tears, he wouldn't give them to me.

Chuck:

Right, right, if he, he didn't want me to have tears.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

He wouldn't give them to me, right, right, if he didn't want me to feel anger and resentment and guilt. These were emotions that he would not have have given, absolutely, because what happens when little boys are dealt with, or little boys or little girls are faced with things like death? They are afraid to express their emotions. Why, why?

Chuck:

see, we've been taught not to say anything, to be silent and hold our emotions in. But when you get to that place where you can't take it anymore, those emotions come out sideways. Where you start, you know, acting out because of the pain on the inside.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

So where they're going to go yeah if I'm taught to bottle everything in when it's time for me to let them out and explode, more times than not I'm gonna take it out on somebody that's innocent. That was just there. That's a fact. Yeah, all because I was taught that. Hey, talk to me, and sometimes you know it's difficult to talk to the ones that may even be causing it, or the ones If you're telling me. You know I understand that this loss is hurting you, but you know it's time to move on. Why? Why is it time to move on when I haven't dealt with the loss?

Scharnelle Hamlin:

That's deep man.

Chuck:

You said grief has no expiration date, so it's like it's ongoing, it does not have an expiration date.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

and I tell people, I teach people in our groups when I sit in because sometimes I sit in as the facilitator, sometimes I sit in as a victim, because I am a survivor of a homicide, of two homicide victims, and I tell people all the time you have to learn how to give yourself grace, you have to extend grace to yourself and sometimes you just have to say no. No is a complete sentence.

Chuck:

Right, what do you mean?

Scharnelle Hamlin:

when you say it does not require an explanation.

Chuck:

What do you mean when you say extend grace to yourself, talk about that. You never know who's listening and they want to understand when I say extend grace to yourself.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Sometimes we force ourselves to accept things or feel that we need to be further along in our grief journey than we are, and it's not. People will say to me wow, you know, travis has been gone. That was my cousin who was taken. He's been gone 12 years and you know, I still see you. You know you still talk about him. I said, because he lives every day in my heart, why would I stop saying his name, why would I stop talking about him? That's how I keep his legacy alive. I talk about him as if he is still here with me Right, right, right.

Chuck:

So it's good to keep talking about the individual.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Absolutely.

Chuck:

Wow.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Now, I get it. Sometimes when you talk about them, it's going to bring those emotions. But not all emotions are going to be sad. Sometimes you're going to remember the great times. When it comes to your sister, she should celebrate, whether it's his favorite food or favorite places, that they used to be, anything that used to bring a sense of smile and joy to her life. Those are the things that you want to keep near, because that's how you keep them near, and I get it. It's going to be painful, but the more that you do something sometimes, the more bearable it becomes.

Chuck:

Right, right, right right, wow. So, with the holidays approaching, how can a person you know become proactive, I guess, before they get here, or you'll never be in a place where you're strong enough. Sometimes it's just you're just going to still go through those emotions, no matter what the season or holiday or whatever it may be.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

And you know what? I'm glad you said that, because I have a poem that I wrote and the poem title is called it's Okay Not To Be Okay.

Chuck:

I like that.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

It is perfectly fine to have bad days. There's no one out here walking. Whether it's death or not, that does not have a bad day.

Chuck:

That's good, chanel, I like that.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

You know we celebrate the good days, but it's like when we have a bad day, we have to find ways to tell people well, you know I'm having a bad day, but you know I'm going to be all right. No, I'm not. I'm not going to be all right today, because I'm dealing with some things. But you know what? I am going to do. I'm going to face it head on so that it doesn't eat away at me.

Chuck:

To that own self be true.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Absolutely so. During the holidays I try to. I always say you know, what works for me may not work for you, but I want to give you things to put in your toolbox. That's something that I say. Or do you know how we get in church? I hope it's something that I said, that I do, that make you want to get closer. I hope that I give them something in their toolbox that they say you know what I remember? Chanel said to create a ritual, no-transcript, or you know, it's about regaining a sense of control of your life by maintaining that structure and having a routine. Again, when you lose a loved one, you lose a part of your heart, you lose a part of your soul and that is a void that is never. I don't care what you do, Nobody can ever fill that void. But what you can do is continue to make great memories so that you focus on the love and not the loss. I tell people all the time let's celebrate the life and not mourn the death.

Chuck:

Those moments that you had with them.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Nobody can ever take that away from you. And I'm trying to say, and I hope I don't get it wrong, but I used to see something I think it says something like death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves memories that no one can steal.

Chuck:

I love that yeah.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

And that's true when it comes to my homicide victims. When I'm talking to a mother and I'm telling you, the hardest conversation to ever have is a mother who's lost her only child, for instance I ask them how old was your baby? And they'll say 20 or 21. For instance, I asked them how old was your baby, and they'll say 20 or 21. I said I want you to focus on the 20 years of life that your son or your daughter gave you and not focus on the one day that was the worst day of your life. They meant more to you in those 20 years than they did that night that they were taken. So I want you to focus on those 20 years of love, laughter, smiles, joy, because if you focus on that one day that you lost them, that they were taken from you, it's going to consume. You Honor them by remembering them in a great light.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I had a mother whose son was taken right in front of her. How do you ever get over that? You don't Wow. You ever get over that? Yeah, you don't Wow. You learn to cope with the loss.

Chuck:

You see this all the time.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

All the time, all the time. My phone, I get notifications every. It seems like to me every 30 to 45 seconds. The gun memorial in Virginia is going off. I'm getting a new notification. What is that? Another angel has been added to that page.

Chuck:

The gun memorial. What is that?

Scharnelle Hamlin:

So is the Virginia. They have a national gun memorial of all victims that were taken due to gun violence, but they have one specific for your state, so you can look up any state and you can see the person's name. Sometimes they have pictures. They'll have the news article and any family member can put a picture up there. And my phone goes off constantly.

Chuck:

Wow, somebody else added Wow.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Somebody else added. Somebody else has added Another parent or another spouse, another child is bearing, a friend, a brother, a sister, a son, and it's disheartening that people just don't value people's lives. Yeah, it doesn't Wow. But then when you have someone like your brother-in-law, that just is fine. You see this person and they're okay, and then you get that dreadful phone call that they're no longer here. Sometimes you don't know what to say, and that's perfectly okay, because sometimes it's just about being there, being there for your sister, letting her know that her feelings are valid, despite how much time has passed. That's the worst thing that you could do to someone is make them feel that they should be over it when they are not ready to be, To be their comforter, to just to be there, to be there for her to talk about her hubby. Yeah.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Just a listening ear.

Chuck:

Yeah, I was about to say that Sometimes you don't have to say anything, just be in there or make the person, just be in there. Yeah.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Wow. And it's hard Because again, she has to change her entire narrative to what she used to do, whether, if she was, you know, conditioned to get up in the morning and make his his his coffee and his breakfast and seeing him, and she's looking forward to those kisses when he walks through the door. That is gone and even though we know that we are all gonna die, there is no way that you can prepare for it, even someone that is sick with cancer. The day that you get that call and your loved ones tell you that they are no longer here, even though you knew that it was near, but when it's actually here, a reality yeah, that's reality setting in it's breathtaking, you feel like you are suffocating and and you knew, you knew it was coming, but you still can't prepare for it. You can't, and that's why you hear people say I'm glad that I spent the years that I did with my loved ones.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I'm glad that I had the time to sit across the table and talk with them, because that's what they hold on to when they're no longer here.

Chuck:

That's so important to spend time with with you know your loved ones or whatever, and talk to them, you know, so you can absolutely cherish those moments, yeah absolutely.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I'm an advocate for taking pictures. I have storage in my phone that I can delete. 4 000 pictures right now and I probably still have 15,000 in my phone. Wow, Because you know why I like that. One day a picture is all I'm going to have A voicemail One day. A picture and a voicemail, and I save them.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I have voicemails from my Grammy. You know she was strong as an ox. She had to have a heart valve replacement and before she transitioned she told my mom and my aunt. She said I want you to tell these doctors, take everything that belonged to them off of me and leave everything that belongs to me on me. We knew she was telling us at that moment I'm ready to go, I'm tired of fighting. But the second that I got that call, I knew she was ready to go. She told me.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

But the second that I got that call it was like none of that happened. I didn't remember any of that. I just remember my grandmother is no longer here, Despite the fact that I was going to the hospital, going to Norfolk General, seeing her, seeing all the tubes, but when I got that call, all of that went out the window. All I heard was that your grandmother is no longer here. I forgot the surgery she had, I forgot how long she was in the hospital. All I knew is that what was is no longer, and I deal with homicides every day, but when it's your own.

Chuck:

It's different, it hit different.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

It hit different and it hits hard. Yeah, Because of me. I don't want to seem like I'm a hypocrite. How can I sit up here and tell people how to cope with losses all day? And now it hits me, and now I'm like I'm clueless.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I don't know what to do and that's because everybody's situation is uniquely theirs that way. That's the reason why no one has a right to tell someone when they should be over it. Nobody knows the relationship your sister had with her husband Absolutely. What if they were fighting that day? What if the last words that she exchanged with him was an argument and that he's gone? That survivor's guilt will eat you up.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I wish I did this. I wish I told him I love him and then you go back and play things in your mind that you knew. That you probably said, but you can't focus, so no one can tell you that you should be over when you lose a loved one. No one has a right to tell you that because they don't know the situation at hand. They don't know that, wow, I have two mothers and I'll give you the example of the best, because I live with it. The night that my cousin was taken, I was supposed to go to his house but I said do not disturb me until after seven o'clock. I'm at the gym and I put my phone on Do not disturb. The very first call to Smithfield Police Department came in at seven o'clock when he was shot. Wow.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

And that thing, oh my God, it ate me up because I said, had I not turned my phone on, do not disturb. When I was at the gym and I heard my mom calling me and saying Travis has been shot, I could have helped him. I could have went down there, I could apply pressure to his wounds, I could have been there. And then it hit me and my mother said and you probably could have been shot too. And my mother said and you probably could have been shot too. And that is the only that was the most, I would say, profound thing that she said to me that helped ease the survivor's guilt, because I still live with it right but saying that to me, it brung it.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

It brung it plain. It made it real to me and that's why I said grief is grief comes like a thief in the night it comes. We expect our loved ones to always return.

Chuck:

Yeah, we do so what would you say to um, I guess, a parent, wife, husband that have lost their loved ones. What would you say to them if they were to call you?

Scharnelle Hamlin:

If they were to call me the first thing, I would say I'm giving you permission to grieve, I'm giving you permission to hurt, I'm giving you permission to grieve in your own way, because not all those that are affected react in the same way. You have to allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. I will tell them, I want you to address your trauma head on. Don't just put it in your back pocket, because when you think it's not there, it's going to resurface. It is, I would tell them, one of the most. I mean oh my god, setting boundaries, anything that disturbs your peace, get rid of it, let it go, because sometimes our family can mean well and they do more harm than good talk about because, like you say it, sometimes they can say the wrong thing, sometimes, sometimes, silence is the best answer.

Chuck:

Got you.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Safely release your anger. When it comes to your loss, it's okay to cry and scream. A lot of people try to say you know, anger is a bad emotion. No, anger is not a bad emotion. It's an emotion, but it's how you displace it that makes it bad versus good.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I keep a journal. Parents, I say you know, write your favorite things about your spouse or about your child, or 365 or 366 days of affirmation. Get you a notebook and every single day I want you to write something that somebody said to you that changed your life for the better. And on those rough days, pick up that book, whatever day it is of that month of that year, go to that day and see what you wrote to yourself. That has been one of the most powerful tools, because I can call five or six of my girlfriends right now. I was like, listen, I need a word. And they'll say give me a date and I'll randomly pick a date and it just so happens that whatever they read to me I can relate to for that situation. Wow, journaling creates you to write your story your way. Nobody else has that pen, but you story your way. Nobody else has that pen, but you. So honor your loved ones and however you see fit, some people don't like going to the grave Some people.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

It's eerie for them and that is okay. However, you choose to honor your spouse, you do it and you do it your way. Don't let anybody tell you differently. And that's what I would tell a grieving spouse, a grieving mother Honor your loved one and your way and grieve at your own pace.

Chuck:

Own pace, wow. So sometimes isolating yourself, like you say, grieving at your own pace. Sometimes you work your way back into the environment that you were once in being around people, so it's okay to pace yourself.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Ok, you know we like to go into our safe spots. Our safe places, you know, versus being safe. For instance, if you're in your house, I like to be in my bedroom. That is my security, that is my safe place. I don't always necessarily want to be out in the front with the family or in the living room. So if I isolate myself, I'm taking, I'm giving myself to take time for me. That's what isolation is. I don't want to be around anybody, I just want to be here, one with my thoughts. Now where it becomes a problem is if you're isolating yourself consistently and you're not interacting with anybody else.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Got you, because you know an idle mind is a what?

Chuck:

Devil's playground.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Devil's playground. All these thoughts are going to keep resurfacing in your head over and over again and you're going to keep thinking about that night. You're going to think about the coulda, the shoulda, the wouldas. So isolation is not always a bad thing. But I always tell people you know, like listen, I'm going to give you that space, I'm going to check on you. I don't want you to feel that I'm rushing you or anything. I I don't want you to feel that I'm rushing you or anything. I just need to lay eyes on you. You're telling me you're good, I'm good, you're letting them know that you're there. But it's good to give them their space. Some people I don't know why, they just don't like crying or showing their emotion in front of people. Isolation gives them that time to release.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

And they need that, because that pressure is going to keep building up and it has to go somewhere. I never really understood, until I got to be an adulthood, that stress will kill you. It will, and sometimes we'll stress all the things that we could have done differently when our loved one is lost, all the things that we could have said, all the things that we could have did if we just had a little bit more time. But time waits for no one. It doesn't, and that's why grace is so important to say you know what? I got up today? I went to work and I came home, and that should be celebrated, because asking for help is very hard and then showing up after you've asked.

Chuck:

Yeah, takes a lot of courage yeah, you had an acronym tears, talk about thatars.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I came up with this acronym because, again, my tears were always. Even when, when, when somebody starts to cry, I noticed, like in church, somebody is quick to give you a piece of tissue instead of letting those tears fall. Sometimes all we need is a good cry. But I noticed that even in my groups. I'll put the tissue there, but I'll let them get it, because when they want to wipe their face, that's when I know that they're ready.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

So tough experiences always reveal strength. That's my acronym. That's what my tears do for me. I cry all the time and it's not a sign of weakness. That's me letting whatever it is that is plaguing me. That's me releasing it back into the atmosphere. It's gone and even if it comes back, I'll cry again and I'll release it again, but I'm getting rid of it. If I don't, if I don't want it, I release it, and that's how I came up with that act, that acronym. Tough experiences always reveal strength. Wow, amazing. Sometimes the strong needs a shoulder to cry on. Who's there for the strongest person in your family absolutely Absolutely.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Sometimes people think that you know we are exempt from pain because we're the strong ones. No, we need to be checked on just as much as we're checking on you. Come by and see about me, Make sure that I'm okay. Don't stop talking about my husband. Don't stop talking about him. Bring his name up. Remember the good times. Remember the family gatherings when he said a funny joke, or you remember when he wore this and he was clean. That will start to bring more smiles than tears.

Chuck:

Gotcha, wow. So how can people reach you if they wanted to get in contact with you Just to have a conversation about you? Know, grief?

Scharnelle Hamlin:

if they wanted to get in contact with me. My my email address is charnels. My name s-c-h-a-r-n-e-l-l-e dot hamlin, h-a-m-l-i-n. At v-a network dot org. That is my email. My personal email is very simple. It's charnelhamlin at gmailcom. They can email me. We can have lunch, we can talk. Sometimes I just just need to be there to listen.

Chuck:

Right.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I think so many times people feel that when someone is talking about grief and loss, that they are looking for us to solve their problems, and sometimes they're just looking for you to listen. I'm a helper. I'm a helper by nature, but when it comes to grief, a person will tell you what they need. They'll tell you exactly what it is that they need. And if they don't know what they need, then just give them a little bit. Extend that grace to them and they will figure it out. And if they need't know what they need, then just give them a little bit. Extend that grace to them and they will figure it out. And if they need extra hand, that's when we come in, right. But we don't tell people what they need. We give them the tools to put in their toolbox and they use what best works for them so they can email me. I'm up all types of the night. If I see it, I'll respond there, you know, because no one should suffer in silence. No one fights or no one should fight any battle alone. They shouldn't.

Chuck:

Yeah, I appreciate this conversation, I really do, and I hope to have you back on one day.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Thank you for this platform, absolutely. You are doing an amazing, amazing work and I pray that you know God blesses you abundantly because, again, it's what we don't say that hurts us the most, right?

Chuck:

So I thank you, thank you, thank you. Amazing. I really appreciate you, sharnel, being on let's Just Talk About it podcast. Amazing, I really appreciate you, sharnel, being on let's Just Talk About it podcast just to share what you see on a day-to-day basis about grief. That is an ongoing thing. It's not. It doesn't have an expiration date on it. It doesn't.

Chuck:

That's good to know because, like you said, sometimes I guess either people or yourself feel like you should be further than what you should be. But who's to say? Who's to say yeah, who's to say you know that you should be. You shouldn't be crying this long, you know.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

Right, and it's no like textbook. You know regimen that says, okay, well, I experienced all five stages of grief. I experienced the anger, I experienced the denial. I experienced the denial, I experienced the depression. And then you're done. No, you can experience depression again, you can experience anger again, you can experience denial again. It doesn't matter, grief does not. There's no set stage. You know that you will go in. You are human and you are not exempt from grief. Wow, it doesn't matter how much education you have, it doesn't matter how many letters you have behind your name you are human and you have a right to hurt amazing.

Chuck:

I appreciate you thanks again, thank you absolutely for being a part of this, this conversation, this platform, yep.

Scharnelle Hamlin:

I appreciate you and again, thank you so, so much for the opportunity wow, what an amazing conversation today.

Chuck:

Shout out to Chanel for having this dialogue with me. You know she shared so many things that can help us to navigate through those tough seasons of grieving, but one of the things that really stuck out to me was when she said that it's okay not to be okay, that we don't have to act like we're okay when we're really not okay, that it's all right to release those tears when we remember the ones we've lost. So again, thank you, chanel, for the work that you do, and I want to thank everybody for always tuning in to let's Just Talk About it podcast, and if you have any media needs, such as videography and photography, you can reach out to me and my partner Low Mills at M&B Media. So, as always, until next time, don't hold it in, but let's just talk about it. Talk to you soon, thank you.