Chuck : 0:10

Hey, welcome back to another episode of let's Just Talk About it podcast. I'm your host, chuck, and if you're here for the first time, this platform was created to give genuine people just like you an opportunity to share a portion of your life's journey. So, with that being said, I have therapist Charonta Pegram on with me today to share her experience with how she had to navigate through life with the back to back loss of her father, her grandmother, her baby and her mother, and on this episode, you'll hear how she went from tragedy to triumph in the midst of it all. So you don't want to miss this amazing conversation today. As a matter of fact, do me a favor go and grab your husband, your wife, your children, or even call a friend and gather around to listen to this conversation with me and Charonta on let's Just Talk About it podcast. Hey, let's jump right in. All, right, welcome back to another episode of let's Just Talk About it podcast Today. I have Sharanthe Pegram on with me today. How are you doing today?

Charonta: 1:07

I'm doing well. How are you?

Chuck : 1:08

Doing good. Good to have you.

Charonta: 1:11

Thanks for having me. I'm excited.

Chuck : 1:13

Absolutely. I appreciate you here on let's Just Talk About it podcast. I love to have those genuine conversations with genuine people like yourself, Sharonte, and I usually jump right in with this question when are you from?

Charonta: 1:27

I am from Sussex, Virginia, a little small town in Virginia that a lot of people don't even know about.

Chuck : 1:34

Where is that near?

Charonta: 1:36

It's near Emporia. Have you heard of that before?

Chuck : 1:39

Yes.

Charonta: 1:40

Yes, so it's near Emporia. It falls on 460 and also on the 95 side, but I'm on the 95 side understood, okay, like going towards Petersburg yeah, so it's a small little town in. Sussex called Jarrett. Yes, and if you go through, there is one stoplight and the police will get you if you're speeding.

Chuck : 2:03

Wow, wow, how was it for you growing up out there?

Charonta: 2:07

um, it was cool because, um, my mom is one of 12 well, was one of 12. So, um, I always, even though I'm the only child always was raised with my cousins. We all kind of lived on the same road, so we walked from house to house.

Chuck : 2:25

I had a very, very good upbringing like tight-knit tight-knit, yes, tight-knit so during those times y'all spent a lot of time outside, versus now, like people always inside, on the phone so what I will tell you is I'm not your traditional country girl like I do not like outside, I do not like.

Charonta: 2:43

I don tell you is I'm not your traditional country girl Like I do not like outside, I don't like buzz, I don't like the heat. But you know, when I was a kid I was never athletic, I always been very prissy. So my cousins were playing like sports and I would sit on the porch and just watch them, because I'm not athletically inclined at all. But yeah, you're right, cookouts in the summer, riding bikes, you know, just having good times. Yeah, definitely, it's definitely. The trajectory is very different now with kids. I'm a therapist so I see that a lot of my kids are tablet babies. They love tablets, they love electronics and that's why a lot of children are socially awkward now because know they communicate via screen time. So, wow, interesting, but definitely different times.

Chuck : 3:28

Definitely different times so so being you said that you are a therapist, right, and so you deal with a lot of kids that are tablet babies. That's the first time I've heard that tablet babies so right. Do you see a lot of like depression coming from that?

Charonta: 3:45

Absolutely, because again yeah, again, I'm not to cut you off again because most children now think about it Kids at one year old. They may still have a pacifier, but they know how to work a phone. So what we're finding is kids don't socialize anymore. When you look at the dinner table at restaurants, I can guarantee you that parents and children both have phones or some type of device in their hands. So we don't communicate. I've even had people tell me that they text from room to room Like. That's not how I was raised as a child. You know I get up and communicate with my mom.

Charonta: 4:18

So, I do see that a lot of children, because they don't know how to socially interact when they go to school, they get bullied or they just choose not to talk at all to their peers because they don't know how to communicate past screen time. So I can talk to you while I'm playing a game, because we're texting back and forth, but to actually have a communicative dialogue with you in person is pretty much, you know, diabolical to kids now. So, yes, we do see a lot of anxiety, we see a lot of depression, we see a lot of bullying because children have become so dependent on social media internet, tablets, phones you know, so yeah.

Charonta: 4:57

I see that a lot, I do.

Chuck : 4:59

Wow, that's deep Tablet babies.

Charonta: 5:02

Tablet babies is what I call them. Tablet babies is what I call them Tablet babies. You see, the kids can barely walk, but they got a big iPad.

Charonta: 5:08

And there's nothing wrong with that, because we also have to think about the culture. During COVID, parents had to work from home and their children were at home, so I'm going to give you this tablet to keep you busy, so I'm not knocking them. That's what I want to be clear about. But I do believe that there should be a certain time for screen time and I do encourage my patients, parents, to make sure that they're monitoring screen time and that their children are also getting that verbal dialogue, that they need to be socially, not social butterflies, but to be able to have conversations with others outside of you know. You know, tablet time. There has to be a balance.

Charonta: 5:43

There has to be a balance there has to be a balance absolutely yeah, wow, so miss keisha introduced us to each other, right?

Chuck : 5:53

yeah, and you are like I said earlier, you're a therapist and we talked earlier about you. Lost your immediate family. Yes, back to back. Talk about that when you talk about your mom what happened? Yes, back to back, talk about that when you talk about your mom, what happened? Take us back to that moment.

Charonta: 6:11

Okay, so my mom was the final family member of mine to pass away. I lost my dad at age 55 in 2017 from what they deemed as an accidental um, fentanyl and cocaine overdose. Um, he was 55. I was 29.

Charonta: 6:33

Um, I was always a daddy's girl, so that was definitely something catastrophic for me, because I'm literally driving home from work and I get a phone call and that particular day, I had just finished my first master's program the day before, so I had applied to PhD schools that day. So I'm riding home, it's July and it's July 6th. I'm having the time of my life, riding home on 9 and 5, singing my R&B songs to the top of my lungs, and I get a phone call. So I'm thinking it's one of the schools that I, you know, graduated, that I had applied for, and I remember answering the phone and the lady said I'm looking for Sharonte Pegram and I'm like this is her. And she told me. She said I'm such and such and such from such and such and such. I never paid it any mind because, again, I'm thinking this is one of the colleges I applied to.

Charonta: 7:28

And she said, ma'am, are you driving? So once she said that to me, I kind of honed in to the conversation and I'm like, yes, she said, ma'am, I need you to pull over and I said for what?

Charonta: 7:39

So then I pick up the phone and I look and I see it says um, coatesville, pennsylvania. No, pittsburgh, pennsylvania. And so I know my dad is at the VA in Pittsburgh, pennsylvania. So I'm like, is something wrong with my father? I scream at her and she said ma'am, I really need you to pull over. I said it's something wrong with my dad and she said, yes, we found him this morning as such and such and such, and I just remember swerving and then a car blowing a horn. And she said ma'am, call me back when you're stationary. And I just remember thinking to myself like what is going on?

Charonta: 8:17

Because my dad and I were very close and in April I had a conversation with him and I said to him I said, daddy, I have moved you up the East Coast and I said if you do not stop, I said they're going to call to tell me one or two things. You're dead or you're in jail. And he said to me I never wanted to disappoint you. And my dad cut communication with me after that but he got close with my grandmother because their relationship was kind of rocky. But the last thing we said to each other is that we loved each other that day that my dad passed away. He was supposed to call me that morning and he never called. And I often think to myself you know my daddy died and I hope he knew how much I loved him and I know that he did. But that haunted me for a very long time because of the last conversation that we had, because I knew, I felt it in my heart, that they were going to call and tell me one or two things and subsequently that's what happened. So after my dad passed away, I went through the real hard parts of grief because I felt guilty, because he and I went from talking every day to not talking at all. But in my mind I believe that my father was getting himself together and he had been in the VA for a very long time, but he was actually in transit to Arizona to another VA. He had been sober for about 60 days but he had to get that last hit and ultimately what I believe happened was his dealer felt like this man is 100 percent disabled. He's giving me four thousand dollars a month into cocaine, so I'm going to take him out because nobody else going to get my money, because my dad made two calls after he got out of the VA. One was to his dealer and one was to a taxi cab. I called the dealer's phone every day for 30 days. He never turned his phone back on, which lets me know that my dad's death was not accidental and nobody advocated for him, because to them they felt like, yes, he was a veteran, but he's another junkie off the street. My daddy was not a junkie. My daddy was an amazing father, a great son, was a veteran, but he's another junkie off the street. My daddy was not a junkie. My daddy was an amazing father, a great son and a great friend to everybody, and he was loved. So I went through that.

Charonta: 10:33

So 2018. I get pregnant. I always wanted to be a mom and literally three days before Mother's Day, I lost my baby. And I remember driving home saying God, why would you give me this baby and then take it from me? And I'm like, ok, I lost my dad and now I lost my baby.

Charonta: 10:56

So I went into a depression, but I didn't know I was depressed because I'm going to tell you why. I've always been a strong person. So I'm the type of person that when I'm feeling depressed or anything like that, I bury myself in work and that's what I did. I went right back to work after my dad and right back to work after my miscarriage and everybody was like, why are you going back? I buried myself in work. That's how I coped. I buried myself in work, I went and got another degree, and so I'm still dealing with this emotional trauma from losing my father and losing my baby. Back to back. And then you know, life was life.

Charonta: 11:33

And so then, fast forward, my grandmother's health started to decline, which is my dad's mom, and I knew that. You know, with her health declining, that you know it wasn't going to end well. She was 95. My grandmother lived a wonderful life and so, right before my grandmother went into hospice, grandmother went into hospice. My mom, 65 years old, never drank, never smoked, never did, never even cursed, always a giver. I mean, my mom would give anybody this shirt off her back. Everybody that encountered my mom said they absolutely loved her. And, um, my grandmother goes into hospice.

Charonta: 12:17

And then my mom is diagnosed with cancer. A little backstory with that. My mom was perfectly fine. We went to church one Sunday. Afterwards we went to dinner the next day. She wakes up in excruciating pain. She was vomiting and I said oh, mom, you just got a stomach bug. We take her to the emergency room. They come out and tell me they're like hey, your mom is really sick. Her liver levels are extremely high. We're thinking it's in the gallbladder. We have to transport her to another hospital. We have to admit her. So, okay, we transport her to the hospital. They run a million tests. She ended up having like three surgeries.

Charonta: 12:53

The last surgery was to remove her gallbladder. The surgeon comes out, tells me that the gallbladder spilled out into her stomach and they had to fish gallstones out. But she was going to be fine. They put a stent in and they told us we had to get the stent removed. Two weeks later, what we thought was going to be a stent removal turned into hey, you have stage one gallbladder cancer.

Charonta: 13:15

I can remember sitting in the room bawling. My mom never cried. She turned and looked at me and said don't you worry, boo, because that's what her and my dad called me, I'm not leaving you. So I asked that she be transported, or transferred rather, to St Mary's. We go there.

Charonta: 13:34

We meet with the oncologist, we meet with the surgeon. They both said the same thing it's stage one, your mom is healthy, she never drank, she never smoked. They said what we're going to do is we're going to give her a surgery that's going to take the perimeter from around where the gallbladder was to make sure it didn't spread anywhere, and from there we'll probably give her a chemo pill at home. She'll be fine, full recovery.

Charonta: 13:55

So we asked them that day OK, let's do the surgery as soon as possible. Oh, you don't have nothing to worry about. We're going to wait about a month to do it because you know you just had your gallbladder removed. We want to give that scar tissue time to heal. Yeah, so so we go in for the surgery and they tell us the surgery is going to be seven hours. About an hour and a half into, well, about an hour into the surgery, they me hey, your mom's doing great, everything's going well. Um, I'm outside in the garden at saint mary's and I get another call from them about 30 minutes later and they said to me the surgeon wants to talk to you.

Charonta: 14:32

I, that was the longest walk that I ever had and I just remember thinking my mom has died on the table because no surgeon in their right mind is going to come out of a six hour surgery to talk to me and risk the chances of, you know, getting catching something and taking it back to their patient. So I had a couple of my family members there and I'm walking past them because I was in the garden and they were sitting in the waiting area and I said the surgeon wants to talk to me and they're like, oh good, the surgery is over. And I said something's not right. But again, they're kind of oblivious to what's going on. So the surgeon comes in, he takes his hat off and he looks at me and he says I'm so sorry, the hospital didn't tell us that they spilled the gallbladder into her stomach.

Charonta: 15:18

The report they sent over said the gallbladder was whole. This week they sent us a corrected report letting us know that the gallbladder decelerated and that's why we called her to do the MRI. The MRI showed that the cancer had spread, but we wanted to make sure. So we opened her up to make sure. And it has spread and it is now stage four, peritoneal carcinomatosis. Um, there's no cure. The average, um, the average of life is six months and um, we're going to give her chemo to keep her alive a little longer. But the prognosis is not good.

Charonta: 15:52

And I looked and I just started throwing things and I looked at the surgeon and I remember and I walked out I remember him looking at me with like tears in his ass and I walked out and and so my aunt I could hear her apologizing to him and I walked past my family and they were like thank God, it's over, you know, they were happy and clapping and I said no, no, and I broke down and I told them and I remember the look on their face as we sat there and then people were walking by us and they were just looking like, why are these people crying like this?

Charonta: 16:23

And I even saw some other people start to cry and I got myself together, I went back in there and I listened to what he had to say. Now, mind you, my mom was under anesthesia because she thought she was going to be in a six-hour surgery. So they said we haven't told her yet, we're going to let you tell her. So they take me down to the recovery room and I look at her and I said, mommy, we're going home.

Chuck : 16:48

And she said well, why are we going?

Charonta: 16:49

home. I said, well, we're going home. So I put her in the car, I take her home. She's under anesthesia that whole night. The next day she wakes up and she said why am I here, why didn't they do the surgery? And I did not want to tell her. And I told her. I said so. Then she said tell me now, boo. So I told her. I said, mom, you know they're saying you got stage four peritoneal carcinomatosis. She said I won't receive that. I trust God. And that's what we did. We started chemo. She went through six months of chemo. My mom had not one symptom. The oncologist couldn't believe it. The oncologist, it was so crazy. Because we continued to trust God. We started to pray, we started to fast, we started to do holistic things and people thought we were totally insane. Even down to the I'm serious even down to the oncologist she was like you know.

Charonta: 17:45

I know people have faith, but the science doesn't lie, but every two weeks we were at St Mary's and my mom was going through chemo and they were saying you don't have this symptom. No, you don't have this symptom. No, no, no, no. So the day before Thanksgiving 2023, my mom had her scans and they said they could not find any cancer. She rang the bell. We were so happy and then, at that point, my mom rang the bell. The day before Thanksgiving.

Charonta: 18:12

Two weeks later, my grandmother passed away, peacefully. She passed away and my prayer was in the beginning of January 2023, lord, heal my mom, but go ahead and take my granny, because my granny was 95. She was ready to go, she had lived her life and the crazy thing about it was my grandmother was so strong because my father passed away on July 6, 2017. And not even 15 days later, she lost another son. So literally, she buried two kids the same month. So she was strong, you know. So, when the Lord took her, I said you know what God? You honor my request. You healed my mom and my granny is with you and at peace. And not even two weeks later, my mom developed excruciating pain. We went back to the emergency room. They said the cancer had come back and it had tripled in size. Um, from there we started a new chemo in january and, literally how I knew, my mom was so strong because the chemo that she was on it was called Folfox. Most people that are younger than her and healthier than her can only do two rounds of Folfox. My mom literally almost finished the entire cycle, but I saw her body just go down. My mom started losing weight rapidly. She could not eat. She was, she developed, she became septic several times. So at this point we're in the hospital.

Charonta: 19:39

I'm literally staying with my mom in the hospital, sometimes for 30, like 15 days at a time, and I mean I'm not leaving, so I'm taking enough clothes. I moved in the hospital because I need to be there because, think about it, I moved in the hospital because I need to be there because, think about it, I trusted you all with my mom one time and look what you did. So now I'm going to be. I don't care if it wasn't the same hospital, every hospital, I'm going to be there. So I was there around the clock. Nobody stayed with my mom but me. I was there around the clock and I saw my mom fighting and I knew she was tired.

Charonta: 20:11

But one thing I can say is my mom never complained. She never complained. She was sick as a dog sometimes. And I would look at her and she was like I'm okay, I trust God. And we had this thing where we would say it is well. And I told her from the beginning my prayer was simple Lord, if you're not going to heal her on earth, don't let her suffer. And I also told her, I said, mommy, I said if you ever get to the point where you don't want to fight anymore, don't hold on for me, because I'll be all right. And when she finally decided that she was tired, she wasn't doing any more chemo, I said then we go home. And so ironically now remember, I told you about the oncologist who said basically was in so many words, she didn't have faith.

Charonta: 21:04

The day she walked in and she saw that my mom had basically depleted and my mom told her no more. The oncologist cried. She cried and she said I wanted you to be the one because your faith through this has made me believe. She said I wanted you to be the one and see, that's the thing. I couldn't understand why, initially, god would do something like this to my mom, and I questioned him. I was mad at God. I'm outside in the country in Sussex County, yelling that day when she got diagnosed.

Charonta: 21:31

I'm outside yelling to the top of my lungs. Why would you do this to her? She serves you. We in church, we're faithful. Why would you do this to her? You got some explaining to do. Because we trust you, I said God, I trust you, but I'm mad as hell at you right now. I had to repent after that because I was like you know what, I'm going to cuss that guy.

Chuck : 21:54

But I needed him to understand because I got a relationship with the Lord.

Charonta: 21:57

So I need you to come down and talk to me and explain to me why you're doing this. And so it was in that moment when that oncologist said what she said. I mean, my family was fasting and my friends were fasting. We were praying. My mom changed the world. My church family was fasting and my friends were fasting. We were praying. My mom changed the world. My church family was fasting and praying. People were looking at us like how are they going through hell and her daughter's still in the choir singing every Sunday? They're going through hell Literally, I kid you not. Our church sends us our you know, know, statements of our contributions and I just got it at the beginning of this year. My mom still tied up. Until two weeks before she died, I had no idea that she was cash app in the church. My mom was still giving back to the lord and she knew what was going on you know what I'm saying.

Charonta: 22:49

We, we were just faith driven. So so I'm looking at my mom's story. I'm looking at and we were, we were. We were hush hush at first, like we didn't want anybody to know what was going on. And then I told my mom. I said we have to tell the story because people have to see the glory. So we started to tell, like this is what she's going through, um, and people saw us still serving, still trusted. My mom was to the point where she was still going to church until she just didn't have the strength. My mom was still serving.

Charonta: 23:16

My mom was at chemo planning a whole trip for our women's ministry, literally planning the entire trip at chemo, like we served. And so when the oncologist said what she said, I said Lord, you had to pick my mom. You had to pick my mom because people probably looked at her and said she done everything right by the Lord and he doing this to her, she going to curse him. My mom never did, even down to the fact. Something I said we would say every night and I do weekly Wellness Wednesday post videos and something I would say to her every night is you are healthy, you are whole and you are healed, even if it's on the other side, because I knew that my mom was gonna be healthy, whole to heal, whether it was on earth or was on the other side. Yeah, the week that she transitioned, my mom was so weak all she could say was and I knew that he was healing her on the other side. So you know, my mom's story was to bring other people closer to.

Chuck : 24:16

God.

Charonta: 24:17

Because they're looking at us like these people are insane. How are they trusting this man? How are you serving this man and he letting this happen to this woman? That's been good as gold to everybody.

Chuck : 24:26

That is so deep.

Charonta: 24:27

And so you know, I sit back and I think about it. The night my mom transitioned, I posted, I said and I'm going to get to the to the night that she transitioned because I'm going to tell you how faithful God is. But the night she transitioned I post on Facebook and I said you were there for my first breath and I was there for your last. Take your rest, buttercup. And a young lady inboxed me and said I have been mad with God for a while because he took my mom, but I saw your faith.

Chuck : 24:54

Yeah.

Charonta: 24:55

And I want to trust him again. And I said then that is what it was for. People saw us go through hell and my mom's funeral. You didn't see me crying and doing all that stuff. I was praising the Lord and people probably said that girl is crazy, but I knew it was well. I understood that my mom was free and he answered my prayer. I had to learn with my dad that God answers prayers, but not always the way we see fit. My prayer was simple Let my daddy be safe.

Charonta: 25:28

Listen, we gotta, we gotta think about it, Cause we ask God for things and we don't be specific about that. So I said to him I want you to heal my daddy and I want to know where he's at.

Chuck : 25:38

So when my daddy died, I said God, you didn't do what I asked you to do but he did.

Charonta: 25:41

I can go to Blanford Cemetery whenever I want to see my daddy. I know where he's at and he's healed. He's no longer addicted to drugs, so God answers my prayer.

Chuck : 25:49

He just didn't answer it like I wanted him to.

Charonta: 25:52

So I've learned in that, you know, regardless of his grief or whatever it is, I've learned to be OK with God answering the prayer not the way I want to, because his will is best. Let me tell you, my mom went out on her own terms. She decided when she no longer wanted treatment, we brought her here, and I mean when I say she had the most beautiful transition. It was so crazy because she, about five or six days before she um transitioned, she got up one morning and she yelled at me shirante, I'm ready to go, let's go. And I said, mommy, I can't go with you. Right? And I remember her telling me um a few days prior. She said I just hear doors closing. I could sleep if I could. Those doors wouldn't stop closing. And I told my aunts and my cousins I said those are the chapters of her life closing. I said she's hearing the chapters of her life closed. And so then she told me one morning I was um getting her, I was giving her a bath and she said Chirante, I think I'm getting ready to die. She said but I don't want to. She said I don't want to go. Yet I said well, mommy, why? I said because you know I'm gonna be all right. She say yes. And I had a cousin, um, my, my mom's niece, evelyn. She, the two of them were thick as thieves, like my. I was, my mom was everything, but after me probably was Evelyn, and Evelyn could not come to terms with letting my mommy go. And I said Mommy, I got Evelyn. She said she has to accept it. I said I got her. I got her and I got them. I said don't worry about that. She said well, I've been walking around looking for mama and daddy. That's her parents. She said well, I've been walking around looking for mama and daddy. That's her parents. She said, but I haven't seen them yet. I said well, when you see them? I said it's okay to go.

Charonta: 27:37

So the next morning I was sitting at her bedside singing to her and she just said it's time to go. And I said did you see grandma and grandpa? She said yes. So I was curious. I said what did they say? She said it's time to go. I said well, you go, girl. And from there my mom just went into transition mode. She stopped talking, she was just laying there peacefully and my mom had the most beautiful glow.

Charonta: 28:00

Everybody that came because I allowed my family and friends and people that were close to her, her coworkers, because my mom had retired, literally retired, and only was out of work a year before she was diagnosed. So her two last two years of retirement she spent fighting cancer. And um, everybody that came here said she looks so peaceful, she looks so beautiful. And um, I had told them back in, maybe may. I said my mom isn't gonna make it through the end of summer. I knew it, god had already prepared me for it. And one thing I will say is I feel like I did not grieve because I had mourned my mom before she even died, because when you're dealing with someone you love with cancer and you see them not able to eat, you see them not able to sleep, you see them in excruciating pain, and I can just remember my mom weeping, saying God, please help me, please help me. And one time my mommy looked at me and she said I haven't done anything wrong. I've never done anything wrong. Why did this happen to me? And I said, mommy? I said some babies have cancer and you know they haven't done anything wrong. I said you didn't do anything wrong. I said you just got to go through your process.

Charonta: 29:11

And so September 21st well, it was actually September 20th, but September 20th, approximately around 1130 PM, I was sitting at my mom's bedside with my best friend and she started to have the death rattle. And so from that point my aunt, my two cousins, were in the living room. I told my best friend, I said go get them. One of my cousins is a nurse. So when she came in the room she said you know what that is? I say yes, I shed some tears and then I immediately I started playing Yeshua, my beloved worship music, because for the last two days I had been just playing worship music for my mom.

Charonta: 29:52

When my mom was very, very sick with chemo, we would always play Yeshua, my beloved soaking music. It's a 20-minute instrumental, just deep worship, and so that was what we were familiar with. So I played that and I noticed she got to the point where she was trying to fight it and so she would take a breath and then she would say mm-mm. So I'm a prayer, I'm a worshiper. So I told my best friend go get my oil. So my best friend got my oil, I started anointing her and you know I've never told this story publicly because initially I was going to tell it on my Wellness Wednesday and the Lord said it's not time. So I'm guessing that this time was appropriate for me to tell, because I'm telling you. Um, so it had to be told in this season because I literally posted on my wellness Wednesday.

Charonta: 30:43

I said I was going to tell you my mom's transition story, but the Lord said not yet. So, um, I started just praying for her. And I started to pray in the spirit, because sometimes you don't know what to say to God, so I had to start praying in the spirit to get the guidance on what to say. And I remember saying to him show me what she's seeing. And it was almost like I saw the brightest light, to the point that I had to like shield my eyes just hovering over her. And I just saw in the spirit and, mind you, my cousins, my aunt and my best friend are in there with me and I saw this big wooden door.

Charonta: 31:23

Now, remember, I told you days before my mom kept saying I keep hearing these doors closing. So there's this big wooden door and there's this most beautiful floating kind of like light and I knew it was God and I could just see him taking his arms, motioning her to come and his arms were like light, as a feather, and behind him I could see this beautiful blue sky and the greenest grass you ever wanted to see. And he's saying come. And what I saw was my mom. My mom looked like an ant compared to this to God, because I knew it was God, and behind her was nothing but a black wall and she was looking back at the black wall and kept looking back at him, saying now we heard her here saying, and I asked him to show me what she was saying because she was struggling. So I said okay, she's saying no because she doesn't want to leave us.

Charonta: 32:24

So as I'm sitting here, I tell my cousins and my aunts and they can vouch for me because I'm sure somebody listening to this probably thinks I'm nuts. But if you know the Lord like I do, god is intentional about everything. So I say to my cousins and my aunts I said I have to show y'all what I'm seeing in the spirit, because I know you guys can't see it. So I tell them and I said so. As I'm telling them what I see, I see a picture of my cousin Evelyn's face in the blackness. So I said to her sister because her sister was there. I said we need to call Evelyn. Evelyn needs to tell her that it's OK to go, because that's why she's struggling. I said is she by herself? She said yes. I said so we cannot call her. Because, again, my mom and Evelyn were closer than close. So I said to them, I said I got to pray her in.

Charonta: 33:14

So I started to rub my mom's chest and her stomach and I said just go through the door, mommy. I said it's OK, just go through the door. And in the spirit I could see my mom walking to the door. The more I prayed and the more I rubbed her, she walked closer and closer, like a little child. And when she got into the doorpost she looked back at me in the spirit, her eyes opened. Now, mind you, I'm hovering over her hospital bed in my back bedroom. We're face to face. And I said, mommy. I said I didn't at the time, I didn't know.

Charonta: 33:47

When she yelled at me a few days before saying let's go, I'm ready to go, then I would really go with her. But I think God has shown her that I was going to be the one to usher her in. So I said to her, I leaned in and I said Mommy. I said I went as far as I can go with you, just like you wanted. I said, but I cannot go across the door, I said. I said to her, I said I'll always be on the other side of the door. I said love knows no distance. And I said forever me and you. And as I said forever me and you, I pointed to myself and I pointed to her. She shed two tears and took her last breath and I closed her eyes and I said job well done.

Charonta: 34:30

And I prayed in that moment and I thanked God for loving me enough to not only give me the most amazing mom, but I also thanked him for allowing me the opportunity to usher her and go all the way with her, because he loved me so much that he allowed my face to be the last face that she saw and he allowed me to see that she, I knew where my mom was going, but he allowed me to see where she was going. And so you know, and not to get super emotional, but you know, that's just the goodness of God, because me and my mom were so close, because when she was diagnosed, my prayer was God, you got to take me because I can't live without her. And instead of him giving her six months, like the doctors say it, they gave, he gave her 17 months to give me the to the place where I was okay with ushering her into him, and I told him thank you for loaning her to me. And so, at the age of 37, february, at the age of 36, september 21st, I became an orphan. I became an orphan, so I have no immediate family. I have no husband, no children, no parents, no grandparents, no siblings. I became an orphan.

Charonta: 35:53

And so life after that has been difficult, because I spent my whole life taking care of people, and now I have to take care of me, and I don't know what that looks like. You know, being a clinician, I help people, I take care of people. I took care of my grandma, I took care of my dad, I took care of my mom, and my mom told me. She said to me a few days before she passed away. She said you live your life. She said because you have honored me. She said I wouldn't have made it this far without you. She said, so you live with no regrets, and so I know that I did everything I was supposed to do. So I don't really grieve because I honored them, I honored them all. But does it hurt? Absolutely, absolutely. But that's my story.

Charonta: 36:49

So I do have a nonprofit now that's called Sharon Cares and it's in honor of my mom Her name was Sharon and we donate snacks and crossword puzzles to the patients at St Mary's Chemo Infusion Center, because my mom went there and a lot of times you know, we run out of snacks because, believe it or not, the infusion center is packed. So we donate monthly in her honor. We're also going to be doing our first cancer walk in her honor, hopefully in May, prayerfully. In May. We have a scholarship at my church in her name that I plan to award a scholarship to students that are studying medicine, and we're also going to be picking a caregiver of the quarter to do something nice for, because being a caregiver is tough and a lot of times we don't get, you know, the support we need. So I want to honor those people who are caring for people with cancer. So I guess you could say that this is a gift that keeps on giving.

Charonta: 38:00

I tell my patients all the time when adversity comes, trauma comes, when the hurt comes, you got one or two choices. You can let it break you or you can let it make you. I teach essay groups three times a week because I want to be able to save somebody's parent, because I couldn't save my dad. So I've used the trauma and the hurt and the loss and the grief to motivate me to do what I need to do in the community for other people. That's where I find my fulfillment from, because as long as I do that, maurice and Sharon's legacy will live forever. Um, because I'm giving back in their honor. So, um, it is well, it is well. You know you're an amazing person.

Chuck : 38:43

Um, wow, 37 with so many losses, and uh want to say you're an amazing person. Wow, Thirty seven with so many losses, and you keep going. What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with multiple losses, like you just went through? What advice would you give them?

Charonta: 39:01

You can't die with them. So many times when we lose people, we want to die with them and to a certain degree we do. A piece of us dies with our family members, but we can't die with them. Choose to live and, as hard as it is, give yourself grace. Some days I don't feel like getting out of bed and guess what If I don't? I don't, but I don't stay there long. We cannot stay in grief and what I will say is I chose not to grieve, I chose to mourn. There's no ending to grief.

Chuck : 39:35

Hold on what's the difference, but mourning.

Charonta: 39:37

So you got to think about it. Mourning doesn't last, mourning doesn't last. No-transcript, and that's how I used to call my mom tore me up, so it's always the little things. I can walk through my house right now and it's almost like I can smell my mom and I even have one of her jackets the last jacket I bought her hanging up in her closet in my house, back in the bedroom that she transitioned in, and I go back there every now and then and smell it because her scent is still there.

Charonta: 40:39

So there's always going to be moments where you're going to miss them, but you cannot die with them. You have to live your life and honor them the best way you can. On the days that you just don't have the energy or you don't feel like doing it, don't, but don't allow yourself to stay there too far or too long. Get a therapist if you need one. I did not do therapy, which was shame on me, but I felt as though, because I'm a clinician, because I do therapy, I would all be psychoanalyzing them while they're analyzing me. So I felt like it wouldn't be fair. But what I would say is talk to someone, figure out what you want to do with your life, but you can't die with them. I saw a picture one time of a casket being lowered and then you know they started to settle and it showed the loved one trying to stick their head in the grave with their families. We can't die with them because the reality of it is, even if you want to, you're not going nowhere until the Lord is ready for you. So you have to be able to kind of put the pieces of your life back together, lean on your faith, if you believe in whatever your higher power is, and just remember that it won't always be like this and it is well. Even when we don't like it. It is well. It's hard, it is well, even when you know we feel like god left us. It is still well, because I know without a shadow of a doubt that if my mama could come back here, she wouldn't want to. She would not want to. Now, my mama love me down. Okay, right, she wouldn't, she'll be like boo. I'll see you when you get here. Yeah, she wouldn't, she would be like boo. I see you when you get here. Yes, she wouldn't want to come back here, especially not with Donald Trump in office. No, no, but all jokes aside, but no, seriously, she would not want to come back here, and so you know, I just choose to live.

Charonta: 42:41

One thing I learned from my mom is my mom worked hard, cause, basically, she raised me like a single parent. I never wanted for anything, and my mom would always say, when I retire, I'm a live, I'm a live, I'm a live. And she retired and then got cancer. So one thing I learned from her is to live now. Now. Don't put off what you can do tomorrow. Live now.

Charonta: 43:07

So every day I wake up, how can I make today count? My mom changed the world. Even to now, people still see me and they talk about encounters they had with my mom and how amazing she was and how nice she was. And when I leave here, I want my legacy to be that I gave it the best that I had and that I made my mark in the world. Because my mom made her mark and I never believed that God truly picks the prettiest and the best flowers until he took my mom, because I know without a shadow of a doubt that he got a good one when he got her 65, a good one. So that would be my advice to give to them to keep living, to get kanda with them, acknowledge how they're feeling, have those days that they need to have.

Charonta: 43:59

And another thing that I would say is to never feel bad for laughing again. You deserve to laugh again. You deserve to love again. If you lose your spouse, you deserve to love again. You deserve to be a mom again. I can't wait till I meet the person that I'm supposed to be with and I can have a baby and I can tell that sweet little baby about my mama. I can't wait to share her stories and the love she gave me. And the best thing about it all is that I have witnessed and lived in the light of true love through my parents and my grandparents. I, even if I never get married, I know what unconditional love feels like, because God loved me so much to give me the most amazing parents and grandparents ever. So I want to give that to another child. So any other questions?

Chuck : 45:01

yes, no, no, that's powerful. That was meant to be. Yes, because I'm telling you I was not telling this story. No, no, that's powerful. That was meant to be. That was meant to be.

Charonta: 45:08

Yes, because I'm telling you I was not telling this story. I said the Lord did not tell me it was time, so the Lord must have nudged on Keisha to link us together, and it's just so organic how it happened.

Chuck : 45:21

Absolutely, absolutely. As we close, if you could say one more thing to each of them, what would it be? Starting with your dad?

Charonta: 45:34

To my dad. It would be you will always be my hero. I was never disappointed in you and I'm thankful that I got my strength from you. I'm thankful that I don't take it and mess up of anybody. I got that from you and I'm thankful that you laid the blueprint for me to be successful. My dad was military, so he was like get those degrees, get your money, don't let nobody walk over you. And my dad always told me never be afraid to dream big. That's what I would say to him.

Charonta: 46:16

To my granny, I would say to her um, thank you for a making it mandatory that I go to the Virginia State University. I had to go on her footsteps. I would tell her thank you for your wisdom, thank you for showing me what the importance of education, the importance of being self-sufficient. And I would tell her thank you for always, always, always, letting me know how proud she was of me. I would tell my sweet baby that mommy wanted you so, so much, but God needed you more. I would tell my mom thank you for the sacrifices, thank you for fighting so hard to stay here with me, thank you for every tear you wiped, thank you for every fear you calmed. I would tell her thank you for being the example of a strong black woman. I would tell her thank you for always putting me first and putting herself second. And I would tell her thank you for loving me enough to simply hold on until she knew I was ready to truly let her go. And I would tell her cancer did not win. Cancer did not win.

Charonta: 47:49

Cancer did not win. That's what I would tell her cancer did not win.

Chuck : 47:51

Cancer did not win, absolutely cancer did not win. That's what I would tell them wow, you're an amazing person. I really thank you. You're welcome. I really appreciate you being on Chirante yes, yes, yes, um, thank you so much for sharing your story on let's Just Talk About it podcast. Yes, shout out to Keisha for connecting us together to make this happen. Yeah, any last things you want to say Absolutely Anything else you want to say.

Charonta: 48:18

Thank you for this platform to allow people to tell their stories. You know, we have to be as a culture. We have to be as as a culture um, we have to be more open and if you're listening to this, you have to be more open to transparency. A lot of times we're conditioned to keep what happens in the house in the house, sweep it under the rug, not talk about our business. But transparency is important because a lot of times, the things that you're going through you're not going through for yourself. Pretty much 100% of the time, the things that you're going through are not for you, they're for somebody else. So if you never tell your testimony, there are so many people connected to your testimony that could be saved. So be okay with being transparent and remember this is the last thing I got to say it's okay to show your scars because that proves that you survived something.

Charonta: 49:18

So y'all saw my scars today, but I survived it. Yes, you did.

Chuck : 49:22

Incredible. Thank you so much, you're very welcome.

Charonta: 49:26

Let's just talk about the podcast Appreciate you, you're very welcome, let's just talk about it. Podcast Appreciate you.

Chuck : 49:38

You too. Wow, what an amazing conversation. Shout out to you, Charonta, for having this dialogue with me, and thank you for having the courage to share your journey of healing, to help us realize that we are not alone and that we, too, can go from tragedy to triumph. So we really appreciate you, and I also want to thank everyone for always tuning in to let's Just Talk About it podcast. So until next time, don't hold it in, but let's just talk about it. Talk to you soon.