Lets Just Talk About It Podcast with Chuck

Ep. 110 The Depression and Me, with guest Katerris Lawrence

• Season 3 • Episode 110

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What happens when a child's trauma is dismissed by the very people meant to protect them? At just ten years old, Katerris Lawrence was writing suicide notes on her schoolwork while battling depression.

Katerris joins us to share her powerful journey from that wounded child to the author of "The Depression and Me," a memoir twenty years in the making. Growing up in Portsmouth, Virginia, where "everybody looked out for each other," Katerris experienced a profound betrayal when her uncle molested her at age nine. The subsequent dismissal of her pain—being told it "wasn't that serious" and expected to interact normally with her abuser at family gatherings—compounded her trauma in ways that shaped her entire life.

With remarkable vulnerability, Katerris reveals how she survived those darkest moments through conversations with God that felt more therapeutic than formal counseling. "I would say, 'God, this feels unbearable, can you help me?'" she explains, describing how prayer became her lifeline when professional help fell short. The birth of her son finally gave her a reason powerful enough to keep living, sparking a healing journey that continues today.

Beyond sharing her personal story, Katerris offers profound insights about breaking the cycle of silence around trauma, particularly in Black families where "we don't talk about things." Her message to fellow survivors resonates with compassion and clarity: "Whatever happened to you was not your fault... don't carry that weight anymore."

Looking forward, Katerris plans to establish a non-profit to create the support system she wishes she'd had, helping trauma survivors navigate their healing journeys. For anyone struggling with depression, childhood trauma, or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers both comfort and courage to keep moving forward.

Chuck:

Hey, welcome back to another episode of let's Just Talk About it podcast. I'm your host, chuck, and if you're here for the first time, this platform was created to give genuine people just like yourself an opportunity to share a portion of your life's journey. So, with that being said, today on this episode, I have Ms Katerris Lawrence, from Portsmouth, Virginia, here to talk about her upcoming book, the Depression and Me, where she shares a piece of it, talking about the traumatic experience that she had growing up as a child. So you don't want to miss this inspiring, yet amazing conversation today. As a matter of fact, do me a favor go and grab your husband, your wife, your children, or even call a friend and gather around to listen to my conversation with Katerris on let's Just Talk About it podcast. Hey, let's jump right in. Welcome back to another episode of let's Just Talk About it podcast. Today we have Ms Katerris Lawrence on with us today. Ms Katerris Lawrence on with us today. Ms Katerris, how are you?

Katerris:

I'm good. How are you?

Chuck:

Doing good Doing great. Thanks for being on.

Katerris:

Thank you for having me.

Chuck:

Absolutely. I love to jump right into my interviews to have those genuine conversations with genuine people just like yourself, and the first question I love to start off with is where are you from?

Katerris:

I'm from Portsmouth, Virginia.

Chuck:

What part of Portsmouth I grew up in, washington Park, okay, and I also grew up in Southside. Nobody remembers Washington.

Katerris:

Park man, you got to know, you got to know about Washington Park. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chuck:

Yeah, you got to know it was there. So how was that for you Back then?

Katerris:

Back then it was pretty good. You know I had my Great grandmother Living out there, my grandmother, you know. So a lot of family. You know it was family oriented.

Chuck:

Back then.

Katerris:

So it was, that time was. It was a great time. I grew up with a lot of Good people around me and I was safe. You know lot of good people around me and I was safe. You know I ate good. I had the best of everything you know, so that was a good time you know, at that time it's like everybody looked out for each other. Exactly, exactly. Everybody looked out for each other, yeah.

Chuck:

You had no sugar. Go next door to miss such and such house.

Katerris:

Yeah.

Chuck:

Asking for some sugar and it was cool. Yeah, such and such house asking for some sugar and it was cool. Yeah, and it was all right, yep.

Katerris:

Oh yeah, baby, whatever you need, you know we sure did. You know everybody took care of everybody. You know Nobody was hungry, nobody was left without. You know, for the most part, Right. You know so yeah good times, wow, wow, playing in the dirt yeah.

Chuck:

Yeah, lots and lots of kids outside. Good times, good times. Yeah, kateris, I wanted to have you on today. You got a book out, you got a book out.

Katerris:

You have a book out.

Chuck:

So what's the name of your book?

Katerris:

So the name of my book is called the Depression Emmy.

Chuck:

Mm. Wow, yeah, okay, so can you tell us a little bit about your book and what inspired you to write it?

Katerris:

So after my Washington Park days, my grandparents they moved from out of the projects and my grandparents got a house built over in Effingham Plaza which is across from the neighborhood shipyard Some houses over there and my auntie she used to babysit me sometimes. I was about nine years old and for some reason I was, you know, spending the night at her house on a weekend and her husband molested me, Wow, Wow. And for years, you know, I suffered from depression and anxiety. I was very depressed as a little girl. I will write letters on my work at school. I was going to Churchland Academy in Churchland and I will write on my paper that I was going to commit suicide, I was going to kill myself, and yeah. So from 10 years old on up through my teenage life and my early 20s, I suffered from depression.

Katerris:

Really bad, and the only thing that seemed to really kind of soothe me or make me feel good about myself was when I was involved with a man, so I was chasing the love that I didn't get from my parents and my grandparents.

Katerris:

My family was not supportive of the situation. They felt that I was not truthful about it. They didn't want to believe that it happened and that bothered me. It bothered me very bad, to where I was depressed a lot and I didn't want to live. I always thought about committing suicide. Wow, and so my book is about my life and about how I navigated through that experience, feeling yeah. Because depression is a feeling that you have you know, and so I talk about in my book.

Katerris:

You know how I navigated through it, the things that I went through because of me suffering from depression. You know living from house to house. You know I got put out of my house at 16 and you know staying here, staying there. You know learning how people are when you're living with them and all of those things.

Katerris:

I talk about all of those things and it is to inspire people all around that have been sexually molested in their family and how it changes you. You know, when you don't have that support, you know it makes you become another person.

Katerris:

You know you're dealing with so many different emotions, and so I just want to encourage people, um, that may go through the same thing I'm going through, or have gone through it, how I I navigated through it and how I had to encourage myself and push myself to keep going and to not commit suicide and keep living. You know, and how you know. When I had my son, you know he really gave me a reason to keep going, you know. And so, whatever anybody's reason is that gives them that push and that motivation to keep going, whether it be your kids, whether it be your job, your career, you know, or even if it's just you saying you know, I'm enough, you know, I'm enough, I'm a person you know, yes, yes, knowing your worth.

Katerris:

Yeah, so right. And so it's just to inspire people, you know, because a lot of times in the black families we don't talk about things, you know, we just say, oh, you know, we're not going to speak on it, it happened and we're going to act like it didn't happen. And, you know, the person that is the victim is walking around with this hurt, you know, and nowhere to turn to or anything. Nobody that understands, you know. So I want people to know, I understand, I understand there is somebody out here that understands just how you feel. Wow.

Chuck:

You mentioned. I'm sorry, you mentioned that you was a young girl walking around depressed. How old were you back? How old were you again? 10 years old, wow. So let me ask you this you think about a young kid. You think kids don't supposed to be sad or depressed because they have no worries. How did that feel to you at that time, being 10 years old? What did that look like?

Katerris:

You know, it looked like everybody around me was just moving on and doing daily things. Kids were happy, kids were playing and being kids, and I was sad because I didn't understand why someone that I loved and I looked up to and that I cared about you know, he was my uncle. He was married to my mom's sister, you know. So I didn't understand how somebody could, why, why did he do that? You know why? Why did he put that fear in me and that trauma? Why and so you know, for my mom, you know, and my grandmom and everybody that took care of me, they wanted me to forget about it. They, they said it wasn't that serious. They said, okay, you were molested, but you weren't penetrated. So it's not that it was okay, but they felt like it wasn't anything major for me to worry about. You know, okay, it happened. Okay, get over it.

Katerris:

You know, still, having to see him at family functions, you know, oh, you need to speak to your aunt and uncle. You know it's disrespectful not to speak to them, but why do I want to speak to these people? You know? Why is that? Okay, you know? So there were things that I had questions in my head but in my family. Certain things that you say as a kid is disrespectful. They don't want kids to have a voice, you know back then disrespectful, they don't want kids to have a voice, you know back then. So I felt like I couldn't. I didn't know how to express what I was feeling, right, you know so. So that's where the depression came in, because I can't say what I want to say. You know, I can't say what's really going on. So I'm just sad. All the time. I'm thinking of ways to end my life at 10.

Chuck:

Wow, talk about that, you talk about at 10, you were thinking of ways to just totally end your life. That's deep.

Katerris:

Yes, I wanted to. I was like you know what? Can I take some pills and do it, or do I stab myself? Do I what? Do I do, you know, at 10. Yeah, it was deep, it was really. I really was thinking of ways all the time, of how can I just do this, but I never had the strength to go everything was yeah, everything was like oh well I and I thought about it, like okay, if I take some pills, what if?

Katerris:

what if I choke or if I stab myself? That's gonna hurt you know, so I I think that that was god, it was like I had god on one shoulder and the devil on the other shoulder wow you know, literally you know at that age. So it was very, very hard for me. I I spent so many nights crying um, where I didn't sleep a lot. So then when, when I got to school, I was tired, you know, and just depressed, just feeling sad all the time.

Chuck:

You never know how many kids today go to school and feel that way. You know, not who have been through the same experience you had, but any experience.

Katerris:

Any experience?

Chuck:

yeah, and they act out and the teachers don't know why. But yeah, yeah.

Katerris:

So I wasn't, uh, violent, I didn't do anything to harm any other child. I was more sad, I cried a lot. I wrote on my paperwork you know I'm gonna kill myself today. You know um those things that I I was that's, you know um those things that I was. That's what I was thinking and that's what I was feeling. So you know, that's that's what it was for me at that time, for years.

Chuck:

Let me ask you this what steps okay moving forward, what steps did you take or are still taking to heal? You know?

Katerris:

prayer.

Chuck:

Got you.

Katerris:

I pray a lot, I talk to God a lot and I always have, and I talk to God just like I'm talking to you. I would say, god, you know why am I feeling this way? You know, I say, hey, god, you know, this is too much, it feels heavy. You know, you say you don't put more on us than we can bear. But, lord, this feels unbearable.

Chuck:

Can you?

Katerris:

help me. You know I do that a lot. I still do that to this day, praying. I prayed a lot. I would always say, god, you know, please don't let me lose my mind, keep me in my right mind, don't let me lose my mind. I would say, god, you know, I'm feeling suicidal today. I feel like I can't take it no more. If this is not what I'm supposed to do, if you say you won't forgive us for committing suicide, take it away, take the feeling away, and I did that as a teenager, as as a child. I would say, god, if it's not what I'm supposed to, because I grew up in the church, I grew up in holiness church, church of God and Christ, and they always talk about you know, god will forgive you for anything but committing suicide.

Katerris:

But, that was the one thing that was always present in my mind.

Chuck:

In your mind, yeah.

Katerris:

So I would always pray, you know, pray that thing away, wow, and I would be able to get some rest. Or, you know, I would try to do things to take it off my mind. I've always worked, you know. I've always had a job.

Chuck:

I've always, you know, been involved in stuff, so you try to bury yourself in that.

Katerris:

Right, right.

Chuck:

Yeah.

Katerris:

Yeah, and then when my son came along, oh, that was a different feeling. You know that that was. It was like okay, this, this is what I have, this is, this is. This is something I have to do better. You know, I gotta do it for him. You know, because I want to be there for him, I want to see him grow, I want to see each stage of his life. You know, I want to be there so I can't commit suicide because I got to be there for him and that's what for the past 15 years, that is what has been holding me and keeping me.

Katerris:

That is why, you know, I can say I'm having a great day today. I feel good today, you know, because I have something to live for.

Chuck:

And that's them.

Katerris:

So, would you say you're healing still. Yes, yeah, and my book was very therapeutic because for years I've been really trying to write this book for about 20 years and I could never finish the book because it was so powerful that I would just break down and so I could never finish it. But I woke up one day about a year ago, two years ago, and I said I'm gonna write my book, I'm gonna tell my story. I said, and I'm gonna take my emotion out of it, I can cry about it later. You know, once the book is out and all of that, if I want to cry about it, cry about it then, but for right now, no crying.

Katerris:

I had to tell myself that you know, and I wrote it and I did not cry, Got a little teary eyes sometimes, but I kept going. I said I got to keep going, I got to finish it and I finished it.

Chuck:

Got you. So if you see somebody right now, whether boy or girl, male or female, and they went through the same thing or going through it now, what would you tell them? What advice would you give them?

Katerris:

I would first tell them that whatever happened to you was not your fault. And I know that's cliche. You know a lot of people say that that's good.

Katerris:

It's really not your fault. So you got to make up in your mind that you're not going to carry that weight anymore. Don't hold on to that, because whatever happened, it wasn't something you did to make it happen. It was. It happened, but it was not something you did. So don't carry that guilt, don't carry that weight. And then, and most importantly, the same way you talk to your friends, you talk to your mom. There is no perfect way to pray. Talk to God just like you would talk to me.

Katerris:

And tell him exactly what it is that you need to feel better, to move forward, to do better. Tell God exactly what it is, and that's what I do. I don't say you know, heavenly Father, dear God, no, I wake up sometimes I'm like God, I'm mad I need you, like today is not a good day.

Katerris:

I don't know what's going on, but I need you to do X, y, z. You know I need this or I'm feeling this way. Take this away from me, whatever it is. I need you to get it away from me because I can't be who you want me to be with this feeling, with these emotions, with this baggage, I can't be productive in life. Whatever it is that you have for me to do on this earth, I can't do it feeling this way, and so that's what I would tell any boy, girl, man, woman today that it's not your fault.

Chuck:

It's not your fault. That's deep.

Katerris:

Whatever somebody done to you, it wasn't because you did something to cause it. It was them, and they have to pay for that, not you.

Chuck:

Wow, wow. So you say it was therapeutic. In writing the book. Did you ever go to any therapy or anything like that, or did?

Katerris:

therapy just write in the book. I went to therapy throughout my life. You know I went here and there but it's never been consistent, Because I always used to feel like. I don't feel that way today, but for years I felt like nobody, ever, nobody ever gave me any feedback. That felt natural. You know, it was all doctor medical talk. It was never like how we would talk to each other.

Chuck:

Right, right right.

Katerris:

You know, I felt like I could tell I could call somebody and talk to them about this, like I didn't feel like I got anything from it.

Chuck:

I see what you're saying.

Katerris:

You know, it was like I'm just there, I'm talking, I'm telling them what's going on, how I feel, and they're writing whatever down or whatever the case may be, and they're like well, we'll see you next week, you did good, we'll see you next week, yeah, okay, well, I did good. But what do you have to say about that? You know what? What do you think about that? Like, how am I supposed to go on in life? You know, what am I supposed to do? So I don't. I don't ever feel like I got any real good feedback, or, you know, it wasn't. I never found that person. And then, when I did find that person, I thought I found somebody that was good for me. I lost my job and I didn't have the insurance. So that's another thing that I want to do. One day, you know, I would like to have a non-profit organization that helps people find their person, their therapist, you know, somebody that they're comfortable with, you know, instead of just going to anybody.

Chuck:

But that's what people say, though. They say you have to find the right one for you, so it may take two or three therapists before you get to the right one.

Katerris:

That's right. Yeah, that's right, yeah, that's right.

Chuck:

But shout out to you and your process of healing that you, you know.

Katerris:

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Chuck:

I appreciate that You're not letting it stop you. You know what I mean. No, because sometimes you get in that dark place and that's it, you know. So shout out to you.

Katerris:

Thank you, thank you, I appreciate that so much.

Chuck:

Absolutely so. What's next for you? More writing, speaking or other projects?

Katerris:

Where are you going to go from here with deal with it? I'm well, my book is um being published right now. Oh, it's being published, okay, it's being published, and so, um, it should be finished publishing, um, by the end of may got you and so I'm gonna have a be having a book signing sometime in june.

Katerris:

Wow, wow, um, I haven't got the exact date yet because I'm waiting for the publishing to finish and once that finishes then you know I'll know a time frame of when I'll have books available on hand. You know cause they will have to ship them to me. So once I know, okay, they're going to be shipping it to me, it might take two weeks for all of the books to get to me. Then you know cause I want to have books on hand at the book signing.

Chuck:

Okay.

Katerris:

So that's why I say sometime in June. In June I'll be having a book signing, so I'll be letting you know about that. And yes, I would like to do some speaking engagement. Ok, how can people? Reach you, then so people can reach me at LawLawLove40 at gmailcom. So that's L-A-W-L-A-W, the word love four, zero. At gmailcom, so that's L-A-W-L-A-W, the word love 40. At gmailcom, they can email me and I'll respond and I'll be there, you know.

Katerris:

So I would love to any type of women's conference or men's conference or anything, because you know people tend to think men don't need healing or they don't need advice, or you know, but they do. You know. It may carry it a different way, but men need stuff too, because men have been molested, men have been raped, men have been hurt. You know too. Men have feelings, you know. So I don't want to just single, you know, men out and say I'm only for women. No, I'm for everybody. Right, right, right, everybody. It don't matter who it is, it don't matter what race it is. I want to touch and be there for anybody that needs it.

Katerris:

So, like I said, I do want to start my nonprofit organization, which is going to be called RoeMail's Place. And RoeMail was my grandmother, my mom's mom, and so it's in remembrance of her, and she's the one that taught me how to pray Wow, you know and what it means to talk to God. You know what it means to have a relationship with him. She is the one that brought me up in the church. So I want to have a non-profit organization to where I can be a safe haven and a place with resources for anybody who has experienced, you know, trauma, right, you know, and try to help them navigate that through life.

Chuck:

Is there any kind of trauma or just?

Katerris:

any kind of trauma.

Chuck:

I got you yeah.

Katerris:

You know, of course, you know children being molested by family, friends or whatever. That is close and dear to my heart and those are people that I want to touch, of course. But I don't want to single anybody out because trauma is trauma, it don't matter. You know, some kids experience trauma because their parents were on drugs and they live from house to house and the people that care for them didn't really care for them, you know. And so those people are adults today and they're carrying that same weight, that same trauma. My cousin who was recently murdered. He joined a gang because he felt like that was the closest family to him, you know, and so closest thing he had to family- and that was from childhood trauma.

Chuck:

Right. So, that is near and dear to my heart.

Katerris:

Yeah, so I want to touch you, know and help everybody.

Chuck:

Yeah, that's something to speak about too. Children are doing that, joining gangs, because they feel I guess the family, the love coming from that source.

Katerris:

Uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, yep, so they feel like they're a part of something. Mm-hmm, of course, yeah, yep, so they feel like they're a part of something, and that's why I, you know, growing up, always wanted a man, because I felt like I was, I had something, it was some type of void that was being filled. You know, if I wasn't dealing with a guy, I felt like I didn't have anything.

Chuck:

Wow.

Katerris:

You know, and it took years for me to get over that part. You know and learn to love me and love being in my own presence. I like that.

Chuck:

Yeah, I like that man. It's so many like people like what you just said. People get into a relationship because there's a void. I have to have this relationship to feel like, um, I'm somebody you know, but it's just filling that void and so they take so much abuse or whatever from anybody because it's it's making them feel comfortable that they have somebody right, yeah it's deep, so deep. So who is your publisher?

Katerris:

let's talk about her so my publisher her name is Diane Boyd and she is a good good friend of mine and I love her um, she is very inspirational. She has been through some trauma of her own and that's how we connected and so you know I was talking to her about my book and you know she was saying, hey, you know, let's do it, you know you wrote it, let's get it out there for everybody, you know you wrote it, let's get it out there for everybody. And so she has been. She has been just such a good friend, such a motivational person to be around.

Chuck:

Wow.

Katerris:

You know, and we have had similar things you know, happen within us. That we have, you know, happened within us. That we have. She's really been there for me through this whole process, with me writing my book, and her publishing company is called Purposeful, so the word purpose and then the word full F-U-L-L publishing company, and she has been Publishing company and she has been, even though we're friends. She has been a businesswoman. She has been on time with things. She's prompt, she's reliable, dependable and her work is remarkable. She doesn't play around when it comes to getting your stuff done, getting it edited, getting it published. When the time she says she's going to do it, it's done. And that's what I like about her that she's not playing around. When she says she's going to do something, she does just that. Wow, and I like that about her. Wow, you know, and you know some people. You know they don't know how to separate the friendship from the business, but she's definitely done that for me. Shout out to Diane.

Chuck:

I love you.

Katerris:

I'm glad about everything that you're doing. You know your publishing company her also being a motivational speaker and motivating people and telling people. You know you could turn your pain into purpose. You know you could turn all of that around and make it something, because there's somebody else out there, even if you don't do nothing but touch one person, it's somebody else out there that has experienced the things you've experienced, but they have not gotten to the point where you're at, where you can say I'm coming out of it. You know I'm stepping out of it.

Katerris:

I'm a better person now. I love myself, now. I care about me. You know I'm not going to play about me. You know there are people out there that haven't gotten to that point yet and they want to get there, and so that's what we're trying to do is be there, you know. And Diane, she listened to my story and you know she's counseled with me, she's prayed with me and she's just an all-around wonderful person. I don't care what nobody say about her. She's been through her own trauma but she is coming out of it and she is using it to bless other people yeah.

Chuck:

She's definitely a solid person, yeah. Yeah, yeah, very solid Shout out to you, diane, yeah.

Katerris:

Yeah, yeah, shout out to Diane.

Chuck:

Well, Kateris, I really appreciate you coming on and sharing your journey, um sharing your book that's about to come out and, uh, we really appreciate it. We look forward to it, Look forward to hearing your story.

Katerris:

Yes, yes, I will be letting you know. Hey, you know, the book is published and I'm going to send you a copy, a signed copy, from me.

Chuck:

Wow appreciate that.

Katerris:

Yes, yes, so I'll be sending it to you and I'll be letting you know when I'm having my book signed, and so maybe, if you're not busy, you can stop by.

Chuck:

Absolutely, absolutely yeah.

Katerris:

And thank you so much for having me man, you're so welcome.

Chuck:

Thanks again for being on. Let's just talk about it Podcast. We really appreciate you.

Katerris:

Thank you.

Chuck:

Wow, what an amazing conversation today. Shout out to Kateris for having this dialogue with me. You know, one of the things she said amongst amongst many other things was the fact that she was going through depression at a very young age. And the thing is is to pay attention to young kids today, because you never know why they're doing the things they do. They may be going through a bout of depression and you don't know why.

Chuck:

So I believe it's good to sit them down and ask questions. Don't be afraid to talk to them and ask what's going on in your life questions. Don't be afraid to talk to them and ask what's going on in your life and by all means, if you're old or you're an adult, listen to them, because they just might be telling you the truth of what they're going through. So, once again, shout out to you, kateris, for having the boldness to share your journey with somebody who may be going through the same thing. Hey, I want to thank everybody for tuning in to another episode of let's Just Talk About it podcast. Thank you so much and until next time. Don't hold it in, but let's just talk about it. Talk to you soon you.